A Woman’s Excerpt On Modern Day Dating & Being The ‘Chill Girl’ Most Men Seek

Meera SarkarMensXP Staff Writer

I often hear guys saying they want a ‘chill girl’. And I was. I didn’t care, I was driven, I did my own thing. I was chill because I was independent, self-aware, and aloof. I didn’t need to change myself for someone. And they found that attractive. I was fun, but also serious, and refused to fit a mould. He finally found a girl like him; but he hated my chill-ness…I didn’t base all my decisions around him.

That was the perfect desirability factor, keeping him hooked without even trying. “You didn’t call me? Whatever, I’ll call you.”  “If you don’t answer, I’ll move on.” I knew how to move on. I hadn’t been f****d over yet. But then, he wanted me to change, as they all do. He put me down, questioned my behavior, got possessive, and I went with it. That tends to happen when you fall in love and surrender power. I started losing my chill-ness. When I realized what was happening I turned it around, regaining lost power, till I screwed up again.

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And so it went, round and round the merry-go-round, oscillating between love and power- an emotional rollercoaster that completely obliterated the chill. Till we parted ways, broken and beaten down, enveloped in a sea of conflicting emotions and insecurities. He told me I was too complex now, soon after he started dating someone else – new chill girl, ‘simple girl’. And somewhere that struck me – “was I too complicated?” “How do I be a chiller, like ‘simple girl’?” So easy, no drama!

So I tried to emulate that, till I became ‘easy girl’. No principles, no boundaries. “Walk all over me? Sure, I’m chill. Abuse me? Sure, I’m easy. You’re being rude? That’s okay; you’re supposed to like me and can’t seem rude.” I’m supposed to be nice, be friendly. And in the process of trying to be someone, all the noise started filtering in: “Chill. Be a chill girl. Be cool. Be easy. Not too easy. You’re too easy. Be quiet, less friendly. Be assertive. Don’t ask. Be grateful. Be happy. Stop complaining. Don’t be dramatic. Be stand-offish. But chill.” Soon, confused by all the mixed-messages, it became easy to start over thinking and doubting myself.

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A shadow of my former self and then the complex games of modern dating kicked in. So I played. That’s who this turned me into: a spontaneous chill girl who’s game for whatever, except I’m not. So I internalized it all, and appeared unfazed on the outside. Because I had to keep up the façade of the ‘chill girl’, except I’d secretly crossed over to ‘too chill’, while secretly hating it. I learnt the rules, and played by them, but kept thinking and over thinking and stressing out. And little bits of this emerged every now and then, making them question the real me.

Except it wasn’t the real me, it was angst-y, insecure leftovers from a scorned past. It was pent-up passive-aggressiveness from all those times I pretended to be chill when I actually wasn’t.

I learnt to be adaptable and accepting; can’t relate to anyone while relating to everyone. A mirror to every passer-by; will be what you want me to be, colored with faint hints of self-assured-ness and interesting, while being coy and compliant. Enough to keep you intrigued, but not enough to make you stay, full of interesting stories and opinionated remarks, well-travelled and exotic.

 

You’d never be able to keep up; or so we convince each other, so you wouldn’t have to stay. I’ll listen to you and nod in agreement, but you know I’m not relatable. Too out there, not chill enough, but there are titbits of your interests sprinkled in and secret personality layers that you want to peel, enough to keep you momentarily captivated, but not enough to make you stay.

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